So... work did't really go quite as planned. Quit my new job after 2 months. Couldn't take the bullying , and bosses taking sides. I think the older I am , the less bullshit I can take. Started to doubt myself as a pharmacist , and I think it somewhat shook my core of who I am and what a job really means.

People tell me , "work is work you know, don't take it too seriously". I do , I'm sorry. I don't know if pharmacy is my get-to job , but I wanna be doing any job well and hopefully with passion.

My ex-bosses passing , did take a toll on me. Much more than expected. I felt like I loss a friend, and more so , a mentor. She thought me how to be a better pharmacist , mentored me for 5 years . It was tough love , but I've come to realize , not all bosses are built the same. I miss working under her, the occasional growl , and in her motherly voice telling me not to slouch.

I brought on to my new job ( was made redundant , cause we lost one of our rest home contracts - all this in the span of 5 months) , a heavy heart . Maybe that was why they said I was "under performing".

Since then, I've taken a new job . It's been 2 months. So far so good. I'm just observing and learning as much as I can . Bosses seem okay , colleagues are friendly.

I'm contented for now. It was a slippery slope 2 months ago. I was re challenging my thoughts over and over again. What is my priority? Whats the point of all this? F**K what is my passion!? What am I living for ?? Damn .. I still don't have  my answers. But being more settled now , there's a silent voice telling me to just go with the flow. I might not have passions of my own, but maybe it is to support my husbands or my future kids .

What made me quit my job was coming back home and cooking the same thing over and over again. Roast this , roast that.Just chuck the damn thing in the oven. I was exhausted by the end of the day . My mind was working 24/7 . I was super anxious the whole time , work and the bullying was taking its toll. Hubby never complained about the food , but I knew my job as a wife was slacking - cooking is one of the examples

In my head , I had this malay "mak cik" (auntie) , with sarong and all nagging me  - "Kalau suami sendiri tak boleh jaga, macam mana nak jaga orang lain ??" - in plain English : if you can't even take care of your own husband , how do you expect to take care of somebody else? I felt like a fraud. Enough was enough I thought . I'm quitting my job.

My goal for myself this year

1. love myself more. I think I deserve it thank-you-very-much
2. Upping the fitness - personal training . Damn pull ups !
3. Read more ( so far been reading a book each month *pat pat on the back)
4. Colour more 
5. be a minimalist ( declutter , spring clean , and redecorate )
6. Zen - peace of mind ( my ultimate goal )